Realising how dangerous RSD can be.

Chapter 01A diagnosis at 36

I always knew I struggled more than most, but I never knew why until a year ago, at age 36, when I was diagnosed with combined ADHD. Although I had suspected it for a while, I didn't think I'd have all of the variations. But here we are.

Because I'd suspected I had ADHD for a good couple of years before my assessment, I researched. I researched a lot. To the point where I was educating ADHD professionals on aspects of the disorder they weren't even aware of. I've done the work, the self-reflection, and the deep dive into how my brain works. I'm finally coming to terms with the phrase "different, not broken" that you see everywhere when it comes to being neurodivergent. I've connected the dots as to why I've reacted to things differently from the norm, and everything just makes a lot more sense now.

It is because of this self-reflection that I want to talk about a subject within the neurodivergent community that is rarely discussed. I want to offer up my experience with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and chronic people-pleasing to the extent that it has damaged me, in the hope that it makes someone out there feel less alone, and less burdened by shame.

This is an extremely personal story, and one that I do not tell lightly. Up until now, the only people aware that this happened were my best friend, my mum, and my therapist.

Before I was diagnosed, I was raped.

I was raped by someone I knew, in my own bed. I didn't go to the police, and I didn't bring it up to the man who raped me either. I now know why.

Chapter 02The night it happened

It was New Year's Eve. I was with my best friend and her brother, and I'd invited a guy round. He was someone I'd been intimate with before on occasion. I invited him over because I'd had a drink and was feeling a certain way, if you catch my drift.

The drinks kept flowing, and flowing, then flowed some more, until my head was in the toilet and I couldn't stand up. My best friend looked after me until 7am, but she was wary about leaving me alone with this guy she had never met before. I told her it would be fine, and she had a quiet word with him too. He promised to look after me.

I specifically told him that I didn't want to do anything sexual. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, I felt terrible, and I probably smelled even worse. I half expected him to call me a time-waster and go home, but he didn't. He agreed that we should just go to sleep and that he would make sure I was okay.

So that's what we did. I was in such a state that I actually got into bed fully clothed and then completely passed out.

I don't know what time it was or how long I'd been asleep, but I woke up to the feeling of my tights and underwear being pulled down. I must have passed out again, because the next time I came to, he was between my legs.

It was at this point that I did something people wouldn't necessarily expect and what an ex has made me feel ashamed about, I acted like I was enjoying it until it was over.

Chapter 03The role of RSD

Even after it happened, I didn't feel any particular way about the experience when I thought about it. But therapy is a wonderful thing.

RSD made me do that. The thought of being rejected, starting a conflict, or making someone feel bad consumed me so much, that I just locked into the fact that it was happening. I let it continue because if I told him to stop or get off me, I would make him feel bad, or make him feel like he had done something wrong and I just couldn't bring myself to do that to someone.

Let that sink in. Even though he was doing something genuinely horrific, RSD made me prioritise his comfort over my own safety. I know now that this is not okay.

I knew it was rape because I had not given consent. But I didn't report it to the police because, again, RSD worked its magic. I didn't think I would be taken seriously because all I could think about was because he was attractive, the police or people in a courtroom would look at him, look at me, and think, "Why on earth would he want to rape her?" And that thought just completely crushed me.

Chapter 04The cost of compliance

This pattern of compromising our own comfort to make others happy is terrifyingly common among neurodivergent women. We spend our lives feeling like we are "too much", not good enough or inherently flawed, so we compensate by becoming the ultimate people-pleasers. We learn to suppress our boundaries just to keep the peace.

Sometimes, this manifests in everyday ways. It could be agreeing to work overtime when you are already severely burnt out, or cancelling a hard-earned holiday because a colleague needs that day off and you cannot bear the thought of saying no, or inconveniencing them.

But it can also mean putting yourself in dangerous, highly uncomfortable situations just to stop someone from being angry with you or rejecting you.

When you spend decades undiagnosed, you lack the instructions for your own brain. You just feel "not normal" and have no idea why. You don't realise that your intense fear of conflict and rejection isn't a personality flaw, but a neurological response. You learn to live in a state of hyper vigilance, keeping everyone else happy so they don't criticise you or leave you behind.

Chapter 05You have nothing to be ashamed of

If you are a woman reading this, and you have let things happen to you because you were too afraid of the fallout of saying no, I need you to hear this. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of.

You are not weak, and you are not stupid. Your brain was using the only survival tool it knew at the time to avoid a perceived threat of rejection and conflict.

Being a people-pleaser means that you are inherently a caring and deeply empathetic person. But you also need to extend that care to yourself. It is completely and absolutely okay to say no. Your boundaries are allowed to exist because they are your boundaries, and your comfort matters just as much as anyone else's.

I am still a work in progress, and I probably always will be. But I am starting to know my worth, and I hope that by sharing this, you can start to find yours too.