Will I ever know what I want to be when I grow up?

For those of you who are new here, Hi, I'm Amy and no I am not young. I'm 37 and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

A close friend once described me as "one of those annoying people that's good at everything but does nothing with it."

Chapter 01Good at everything, does nothing

Is this not ADHD in a nutshell? Did I even suspect I had ADHD at the time this was said to me? No. I just didn't understand why I was only ever just "good" at new hobbies, or crafts and most creative things in general, but never able to stick at something long enough to master it or make a career out of it. I'd always find the easiest and quickest way to make something amazing for the validation, for that rush of dopamine, for the compliments.

But it's short lived.

Chapter 02The dopamine chase

When the compliments slowed down and people had seen enough of that specific type of Art I'd be doing, or singing, or playing the guitar, or makeup looks, or baking, or cake decorating or children's photography or wedding photography, then landscape photography, then crocheting then jewellery making, onto graphic design and web design... I quit.

I'd quit because it seemed like people weren't that interested anymore. It didn't matter how much I enjoyed it, and I really did enjoy all of my hobbies.

What I found painful (actually painful) was spending days making something, photographing it, editing the photography then making reels and thinking "this looks amazing! It's going to do so well online!!" To then only get 2 likes after being uploaded (one like always being my mother, thanks for the support mum ❤️).

Hobbies have caused pain and in one case, even trauma, as well as enjoyment.

And this is why I give up.

Chapter 03The CV junkyard

In jobs, where to start? I've been a:

• Retail assistant
• Charity street campaigner
• Sales consultant
• Customer service advisor
• Career coach
• Logistics coordinator
• Web designer
• Content designer
• Quality assurance officer
• Business development manager
• Data inputter
• Administrator
• Call centre agent
• Debt management advisor
• and finally, where I'm at now, a project manager.

But do I know what I want to be when I grow up? The answer is still no. And I think the answer will forever be no.

And honestly? Maybe that isn't the tragedy I used to think it was.

For a long time, I viewed my CV, and my life, as a junkyard of abandoned hyperfixations and unfinished chapters. A collection of half-opened doors. And I'd look at people who picked a lane at 18 and stayed in it for 20 years with a mix of confusion and secret envy. How do you just stay? How do you not wake up with an urge to tear down your routine and learn something completely different from scratch?

Chapter 04The other half of the quote

Because this is what I've only recently started to realise: a jack of all trades, master of none, is oftentimes better than a master of one. Is actually the full quote. We always forget that second half of it.

When you have a brain like mine, you don't just learn a skill, you live and breathe it. You sink into it, master the basics in a week, operate pretty decently within a month, and then, once the mystery is solved, you walk away. But you don't leave empty-handed. You carry a piece of every single attempt into whatever comes next.

My chaotic mashup of past lives isn't a list of failures. It's just how I work.

• The photography trained my eye for detail.
• Retail and call centres gave me an unnerving ability to read a room.
• Creative sprees taught me to fix problems laterally.
• Logistics gave me the structure to manage chaos - which works out nicely for my current role.

Chapter 05Permission to be curious

So, will I ever know what I want to be when I grow up?

Probably not. Next month I might get the urge to restore vintage furniture or attempt traditional Japanese cooking. So, instead of spiralling because "here she goes again 🙄" I'm just going to let myself be curious.

Maybe "growing up" isn't about picking one lane. Maybe for some of us, it's just accepting that we were never meant to stick to one path anyway.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try very hard not to buy a new set of art supplies I'll forget exist by Christmas.