"You'd be a terrible mother"

"I don't want kids with you anymore. I don't think you'd be a good mum because you have a real problem around motivation."

There are some sentences that sear themselves so deeply into your brain that no amount of time, therapy, or distance can ever fully erase them.

For a long time, that single sentence was my absolute rock bottom, because all I'd ever wanted to be was a mum and up until that point, thought it was the only thing I'd actually be good at. It wasn't shouted in the heat of an explosive row. It was said calmly, matter-of-factly, with that awful, patronising pity that makes you feel smaller than a speck of dust on the skirting board.

At the time, I didn't have a name for what was happening inside my head. I had no idea what executive dysfunction was, no clue about dopamine deficits, and zero suspicion that I had a neurodevelopmental condition. All I knew was that I was drowning in my own life, and the person who was supposed to be my biggest source of support was holding my head under water and pointing out how bad I was at swimming.

Chapter 01The Misdiagnosis Merry-Go-Round

Before I knew it was ADHD, I spent years to-ing and fro-ing from doctors appointment to doctors appointment just trying to figure out why basic existence felt so bloody overwhelming.

First, it was depression. Here, have some SSRIs. When those made me feel like an emotionally numb ghost who still couldn't start a simple task, it was anxiety. Try some CBT. When my brain started hyper-fixating on routines, catastrophising, and obsessing over minor details just to maintain a fragile sense of control over my chaotic internal world, I was handed a label of OCD.

None of it fit properly. It felt like wearing clothes two sizes too small while everyone around me kept insisting, "No, it looks fine, you just aren't wearing it right."

Because none of the treatments worked, I blamed myself. And because I blamed myself, I was absolute prime real estate for an abusive, manipulative partner to step in and finish the job.

Chapter 02"Fat, Lazy, and Unmotivated"

When you don't know you have ADHD, your brain's inability to initiate tasks looks like laziness to the outside world. To an abusive partner, it's a goldmine.

Day after day, week after week, the same phrases were repeated to me.

When you hear something enough times from someone you trust, it stops being their opinion and becomes your reality. I absorbed every single word. I truly believed I was a broken, useless, lazy person who just lacked the moral discipline to be a functioning adult. I hated myself for it. I beat myself up every night for not being "better", not trying harder, not just snapping out of it.

And then came the knockout blow.

"I don't want kids with you anymore. I don't think you'd be a good mum because you have a real problem around motivation."

It broke me. It cut straight to the core of my worth as a woman and a human being. It weaponised my internal pain, wrapped it up in fake concern, and used it to tell me that I was fundamentally unfit to love or nurture a child.

Chapter 03What I Did About It

So, what did I do?

First, I left him.

It wasn't instant, and it wasn't easy. Cruelty like that strips away your self-worth until you think you don't deserve any better. But somewhere deep inside, under all the misdiagnoses, the self-loathing, and the constant belittling, a tiny spark of anger finally caught fire. I realised that even if I was broken, I would rather be broken on my own than spend another single day being degraded by someone who claimed to love me. I packed my stuff, turned my back on that toxic relationship, and never looked back.

Second, I finally found the missing piece of the puzzle.

It took years of digging, researching, fighting through NHS waiting lists, and finally getting a proper, rigorous assessment. And when the doctor sat across from me and confirmed Combined ADHD, the weight of a thousand tons lifted off my shoulders.

I wasn't lazy. I wasn't unmotivated. I was never a "mess of a human being". My brain was naturally just running on low battery. The anxiety, the low mood, the obsessive coping mechanisms, they were all secondary symptoms of living for over three decades with an untreated, unsupported neurodevelopmental condition in a world that wasn't built for me.

Chapter 04The Truth

Looking back now, I look at that ex and I feel nothing but relief that I got away.

The idea that my inability to fold laundry on his command or my paralysis in front of a mounting to-do list made me "unfit to be a mum" was nothing more than cruel, manipulative control. Motivation wasn't my problem. My problem was an abusive partner and an undiagnosed brain.

To anyone currently sitting in the dark, being called lazy by someone who should be lifting you up... Your worth is not defined by your productivity, and your struggles are not a character flaw. Walk away from the people who use your light to highlight your shadows, and never let anyone convince you that you are incapable of love, growth, or anything less than a bloody brilliant future.